child_baby

Dating was much simpler around the age of 18 or 20. If the girl was cute and she thought you were okay, you dated. Now that I’m knocking on 30, things have changed. People ask questions now. People ask lots of questions and they ask them early; as in, the first five minutes early. While I do understand people aren’t into wasting time at this age and that biological clocks are ticking, I must still graciously tell you, ladies, there’s just some stuff that I don’t appreciate.


As of late, I’m noticing a certain trend ever increasingly. It seems as if within the first five minutes of meeting a woman she will inevitably ask, “Do you want kids?” On the surface that seems rather harmless. In fact, it would seem quite natural for a woman close to 30, not wanting to waste time, to ask such a question early on in the game. As I continue to have these conversations and listen more intently, however, I hear something else coming through that actually does more than concern me: it completely turns me off. As I listen to many ladies speak of their hopes, dreams and the life they’ve planned, it seems that a play has already been written and all that is a needed is an actor to read the lines penned. In other words, you’ve planned a life complete with a 4 bedroom home, picket fence and MOST importantly, babies. All that is needed now to achieve the ultimate dream- babies- is to stick a man into the role of baby maker.

I learned a long time ago that women don’t want to be number one in a man’s life. Rather, a woman wants to be the only one. As a woman, there’s a natural desire for security and part of that is to know you are special to a man, that you are uniquely essential to his world in a way that no other entity is. Believe it or not, men desire to feel that way too. We want to know that we are special to you. We’d like to feel that we are primary and not secondary; not merely an actor in a larger production. Indeed, we’d like to be the inspiration for the show. When I listen to certain women, it seems that children arethe dream. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having children. The problem is, a fantasy surrounding children has already been created in your mind and you merely need to plug in a guy to achieve it. It’s as if you’re assembling a desk and you just need to put in one nail to hold it together. It’s not about the nail, it’s the desk you really want but you just need the nail to make it work.

I’m not suggesting that just any man will do for you, ladies. I’m simply trying to have a transparent moment. I don’t want to be made to feel as if I’m merely secondary to your grand scheme. In the same way, I’m sure no woman would appreciate a man who really wants to be a politician but really needs a wife for the public image. I don’t want to feel as if I’m the nail you need to assemble that perfect desk. If I should surrender my life and freedom to you, I’d kinda like to feel that it’s about me and that I’m not just a means to a larger end goal. If children are your primary goal in life, I’d rather not be the guy you plug into the equation.

9 comments

Jennifer Morgan

A few things:

1. Men seem to do this as much as women, if not more. The famous line, “I want a son…my own seed.” Unfortunately, many times, men aren’t as selective as women. They are just looking for a carrier. Men use the idea of having a baby and RAISING A FAMILY to also hook a woman…I don’t even have time to go into this one. At least women are looking for the shiny nail to COMPLETE/be part of the desk; men are looking for surrogates to bring forth their seed…

2. I don’t know where you’re looking, but there are plenty of women not looking to be fertilized now nor the near future. I am 31 and with each passing day, the fond idea of having children becomes less and less important/appealing. Keep looking, we exist. However, I don’t find any faullt in a woman that does desire kids. That “first five minute question” is often a discussion piece but if sincere, it should come early. Think about it, should a woman conceal the amount of children she has too far down the dating road, or would you like that in the first five?

3. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want. Women are so often credited with being indecisive, uncertain, etc. Is this not a welcomed change? (Semi-Joke)

So many other thoughts but I will leave with this one: Women aren’t looking for baby makers, they are looking for personal love companions with whom they could (perhaps) one day co-create a love child. Women think much differently than men. I can honestly say that I don’t know one WOMAN solely seeking an up-close doner. That’s a lonely girl’s dream!

    D'Juan Hopewell

    lol all good points. i’m not sure i’ve met men who want seed carriers, but i must accept that as it’s your experience. fair enough. as for women who aren’t pressed about kids, again, i haven’t seen it lol. see below

Anonymous

This goes both ways. You’re the guy that makes it clear that you don’t want kids and it is a deal breaker for you if the woman does want kids. Why can’t it be the same way for the woman. The desk is the goal, the whole package, takes many parts to make the desk. The woman won’t taunt the nail, if the nail will not build the desk, the dream life she desires. It’s not ever about the nail but the big picture, you either in or out. Easy screening question…don’t waste time move on. ‘
You can be the nail and you can find your hammer. Your goal is just to lay in the tool box, and not build a product.

    D'Juan Hopewell

    thx for reading “anonymous”. see my comments below

Rashad

Some good analogies and some good points. However, since you actually don’t want children I feel you have a tendency to over analyze these women’s innocent screening. It’s the same as women asking a man if he is Christian. She’s not trying to have a relationship with Jesus and just plug a husband in…she’s trying to work out areas of commonality that are important to her relationship. To most people (you excluded) having children is a mutually important facet of a successful marriage…and successful life. When people get serious about relationships and don’t have time to “figure out” where their relationship is going to go by jumping in, it’s a great question to get out the way.

    D'Juan Hopewell

    makes sense, but see below

D'Juan Hopewell

I feel the need to make some clarifications. I think I’ve been misunderstood to a degree. If you read the text, i say clearly that i understand not wanting to waste time and i see no problem with asking such questions. what I was dealing with was a certain sect of women, not the majority, for whom it becomes obvious after FURTHER engagement that it’s really about children. hope that makes sense

Anonymous

Hey Hopewell, I don’t believe woman feel that children are “the dream” :) but having children to us is apart or our origins. it is something made up in us from the beginning of time. Laughing, and often times women ask if a man whats kids: because she may have them and what to hear the mans response regarding the matter. I have 4 children by my ex-husband and I did not have them for security or to feel special, but i knew i was special and dear to him and in that love i was entrusted with seeds of love from him to produce such great gifts. :) okay, maybe to girly, but I’m sure you understand. Also regarding your statement about “not wanting to be secondary in her life. If you got or get a Proverbs 31 girl: she could do ministry work, hold a job, and have kids and would never make you feel secondary. Selah

    D'Juan Hopewell

    I hear you loud and clear. Some women can do it, some can’t. Again, I’m dealing with certain women who, after FURTHER engagement, seem to really hold children as THE dream. Not all, just some. It’s a case by case thing. Also, there are some that seem to hold that dream almost parallel with marriage. Again, I’d rather not be on par with a child. Call me selfish or stingy but…

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